Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
Bright side: maybe hell start being nice to you now that you know he has erectile dysfunction.
Come back I feel like I ticking time bomb of
of drugs
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
I visited the library for the first time in my college career tonight and I got laid. I think I'm gonna come back...
Randomize
