Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
There is nothing worse then the feeling after you've held in farts all night..
What's his name?
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
Come over.
Look lady I can't have sex with you EVERY day. I have things to do.
Randomize
