Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends
Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.
Just finished two pages in like 20-30 mins bitches SHWAMP DRUNK LIBRARY SHWAMP
okay - we take $20 and buy each other some 'drink till we puke' clothes from the thrift store.
Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...
I ate the most amazing corn dog today.
I will probably dream about it.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
You're a brave, albeit stupid soul for wanting in on the fuckery that comes attached to my vagina
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize