Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
yeah that facebook group of people who have had sex with me probably isn't to discreet...
Told a girl i wanted to feel her bellybutton from the inside... I need to learn how to flirt
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
i refuse to be around anyone not wearing a sombrero...its cinco de mayo
I ripped the door frame off last night too. Just remembered.
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
My house exploded and with it all my pot went up in smoke.
Randomize