i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
tell me why there is a bowl of oatmeal from starbucks in my purse
I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.
A 300 lb dude in a sundress yelling bible verses while wearing a raggedy anne wig is just as funny as I thought it would be. Thank you san francisco.
I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
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