You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.
Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.
if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.
This is why you're my favorite.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
I had so much stripper lotion and body glitter on my glasses I had a hard time driving home.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
