There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
Is being a pregnant whore worse than an average one?
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
she made me cum so hard I dislocated my jaw. I'm keeping her
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
Randomize
