dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
it was like a zeppelin in a condom
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
So I'll be starting a scrapbook from all the mugshots of the guys I've slept with
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
I am sitting in my lingerie, eating frozen cookie dough out of a bowl, and watching family. My hump day is going great
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
You know the story of the boner party, right? They got stuck in the mountains and ate each other?
It was the Donner party... boner party was the porn version...
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