I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
I refrained from asking a guy what he spilled on his dick because it smelled good. Morals.
It's called being normal.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
He's the stereotypical redneck. He tried to go kayaking during a storm and almost got into a fight when a park ranger tried to stop him
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Randomize