I don't remember. Are we still dating?
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
