the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.
Cooked or uncooked?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
Accent: check. Hot body: check. 8" dick: check. Feeds me biscuits in bed after rampant sex: check. Should I continue with my "Why I'm not coming back to the States" List?
Randomize