I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.
We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
it looks like my getting laid tonight is going to depend on my knowledge of native birds. this is a weird party
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
I need a genital shamwow being this wet.
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
I taught three men with PhDs how to make a gravity bong last night. I love academia.
No idea who's grandma but people were just running around naked
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
You look wasted in ALL of the pictures I just saw you in.
That can't be good for your liver!
Thanks for caring mom.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
