i permit you to call me
Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
Well.. considering he unknowingly dated a prostitute, I consider myself the winner in that break up.
Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?
I just watched the lion king for the first time in years. It's like the equivalent of a really good blow job.
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I met a gypsy today. She told me my soul animal was an owl and says she will now remember me as "Owl Girl".
as much bud light as i have consumed over the years budweiser should give me a clydesdale
Took my plan b at Costco today, sample Sunday for the win.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
Randomize
