The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
he stopped midthrust to put on his sex playlist and the first song was 'can you feel the love tonight'
where do you find these guys?
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
I slipped in the shower today and broke my lighter..
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Its a good night when you make $200 and didn't have to see any balls
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
let me wake up, find my pants, and find out where i am tommorow and ill get back to you on that
Randomize
