I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
Just invented taco cereal.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Wow. A quad shot of peppermint schnapps. I feel like I just deep throated a candy cane. Best 21st ever.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
Last night you referred to my vagina as a gym for your penis
He's on the porch naked. Help.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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