If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
WHY are you masturbating to hockey fights?
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
