oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
I AM GONNA CUM EVERYWHERE TONIGHT BRO.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
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