I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
All I know is I was bleeding, she was bleeding, we stole someone's Lucky Charms, and then I made you guys order a pizza
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Get your ass back to America. We've got a lot of drugs to do.
Randomize
