I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
Yea. The knew something was up when i told them i had to go pick up goat milk and and and a roasted chicken at 2 am
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
Not as much as my roommate, who is in the middle of one of the pictures throwing a lawn chair at a cop car lol.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
Randomize
