I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
We had sex in the bathroom. Good sex. Toilet breaking sex.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
Woke up in bushes at UT didn't know I was Austin last night
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
i just wanna know who wrote "dibbz" on my ass?
Randomize
