I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for
I'm surrounded by 3 year olds in tutus. They are far too innocent to be within at least 500 ft of me.
I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
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