We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
A cute girl just told me she forgot to take her birth control and winked... I've never been so conflicted about fleeing in terror
God, you're amazing. I just want to hang out with you in the nude and watch Monty Python movies whilst we quip about how comedians just aren't as funny anymore.
Credit for originality. Points off for a mild to moderate creepy factor.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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