Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
it was like having sex with a tree stump
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Randomize