dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Let's roleplay tonight. I'll be drunken diva and you be sexy sober.
IF that's your way of making me dd then count me out.
the cops didnt even wait to start drinking the confiscated alchohol from the party
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
I'm going to a foam party and gonna grind someones dick off hayy
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
He said that I started crying after sex because he was leaving to go back to Europe after the semester was over and I wouldn't see his dick anymore. This is why I need to stop hooking up with the exchange students.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
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