im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
We removed her tutu and her cape, so there's no risk of her strangling herself.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
If my sophomore year were to be made into a novel, it would be titled "dances with salvia"
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
I walked out in my coconut bra, and that's when it all went downhill.
Video footage says last night I reincarnated as stripper Shania Twain... Man, I feel like a (slutty) woman.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
Randomize
