you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
there is nothing ok with the fact that that was the 4th time i peed in the same parking ramp
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
