its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
two more shots til everyone in this club gets to see my cesarean scars.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
but I'm still not sure how you became more and more fluent in Spanish the drunker you got
so, in conclusion, I think his gf found out about the booty pics
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
So someone just asked us for our kidneys?!?
Randomize
