I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
Ha. Yeah that's all I found you with this morning. Butt ass naked w my robe across your lap and your arms thrown back in handcuff position.
Randomize
