Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
You need Xanax blowdarts
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Had sex with one of the guys from Ireland. Celebrating st pattys early.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
