Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
The stall at this bar had mirrors all around. I just looked at myself take a shit from like 3 different angles
I like to be the stable force in your otherwise chaotic existence.
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
Apparently I thanked the paramedics over and over again for saving the "happy new year" beads that I was wearing
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
She's not allowed to do acid anymore... she started crying because she thought she was an eagle.
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
Randomize
