She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
i was picked up off the floor by a stripper, if thats not a new life low then i dont know what is.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He's either jacking off or listening to Kanye West.
I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
it is shots o' clock and I am never late
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
I just fell down my stairs, guess that's how my sunday is gonna go
At some point you said you just wanted to get laid, so we had a moment of silence for your dead sex life...
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