I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
She says ass holes are for stuffing, the verb, not stuffing, the noun.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
I'm at that stage of drunk where just imagining having sex makes me motion sick.
last time we tried to watch a movie together, we ended up having really aggressive sex. during the Lion King. so what Disney classic will we be ruining this time?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
Randomize
