the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
i think you may have a shot to cock block in a moment. just saying.
Wake up an cock block please bc these are noises i dont ever want to hear again
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Yes ma'am.Im also looking at my collection of penis pictures in my email playing "who;s penis is that"?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
Randomize
