Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend
It started out just like any other night: was watching a Zach Effron movie, drinking tequila out of a water bottle. I don't understand how this got out of hand.
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
He said his name was Tony, after last night I will refer to him as Tiny
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
It was like he was 23 all over again. Madness. I. was. so. scared.
Randomize
