did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions
i wish
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
He just seriously used the word "skeet." Can we please find another way to get weed?
No. Take one for the team.
You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
