I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
I could make wine with my vomit
If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
I wish I was in the big bed with a naked you post sex eating chicken nuggets
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
I'm definitely single now but she stole my mailbox
Im wearing black today mourning the orgasm i couldn't get this morning :(
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