I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
Its sad we have to plan out fun a month in advance. 30 sucks.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
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