i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
