Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
i'm not even sure i have knees anymore. that awesome.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
My exam ends at 4pm so I plan to be passed out in the bar by 5pm. Want to join me?
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
Randomize
