this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
The number of people who end up getting laid as a result of the cha cha slide....is terrible.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
Randomize