Did we use protection last night?
Um, no...keep in touch, okay?
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
eating chex mix on the couch when he walks in naked and asks how he looks. are you shitting me.
I had a dream last night that I used a condom when I had sex. That's how I knew it was a dream
The best thing about this time of year is that all I have to do is add a random mardi gras decoration to my cart full of alcohol and boom, no more judging
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
