I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
When you leave ur sleepover boy on ur front porch waiting for a cab bc work
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
