worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I think I passed out drunk at my own jewelry party
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
