Dude I just heard my boss singing from the bathroom "I love making poop"
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
who's idea was it to start the NCAA tournament less than a week after St. Patrick's day? My liver needs time to recover for things like this.
Well I'll be shitfaced all day the 4th in honor of this great nation... but I'm down for drunken camping/nature fucking on the 5th
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
I got really adventurous too. Like. Balls in the mouth adventurous.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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