oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
I know. I feel like I should be doing mature responsible adult things though. Like getting loans, working 60 hours every week and not eating burritos in bed, ya know?
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
Never joke about your clitoris.
Randomize
