I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
there's paper in my vomit.
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
Next time i try to unbutton my R.A's shirt with my teeth, please stop me
No promises.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm like a number 27.2 on a scale of 1-10 of how badly I want you right now.
Your lack of a response brings it down to a 25.4.
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
