turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
I like how he had to correct himself in stating that I was the fat one in the threesome.
I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
I haven't felt more like a college student than when I woke up this morning naked with my sociology textbook in front of me and my bong in my left hand.
Randomize
