I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Is it bad that I'm not at all bothered by the fact that to some people I'm simply known as the girl that takes her shirt off?
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