My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
i'm not entirely sure that 'not getting kicked out of the bar until it got dark' really classifies as 'doing better'
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
All i remember is looking at the bottle vodka that I was drinking and wondering how it was suddenly empty.
That may have had to do with you chugging it
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
The guy like flippppped out and made me pay $15 for a car wash. I thought I was being extremely courteous by making sure to puke outside the window
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can I send you a random dick pic? It's got a lightsaber tattoo
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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