I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
do you think i can make that microwavable cake stuff with vodka instead of water?
you should probably use water
i dont have any
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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