I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
"women exchanges sex for chips" on msnbc
damn even the hoes are getting hit by this economy
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
once my pubes got caught on her snaggletooth it was all downhill from there
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
You reached new levels of laziness. After we woke you up to take shots with us, you stayed in bed so you didn't have to move when you were drunk and sleepy
Randomize
