She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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