one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...
Only you can make me eat tacos in your car, while naked, on a dead end road in a ditch on a Thursday night.
I think I've been there, but who knows? I drink a lot
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
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