Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I knew her barely 30 minutes before we got naked. This whole fraternity thing is starting to grow on me...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I've done nothing but whore my gay ex bf out for the past 48 hours. It's getting weird.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
should I tell them that both of them had sex with me last Saturday? it might be a relationship builder type of thing you know?
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
YALL MOTHERFUCKERS WANNA WATCH HEAVY METAL AND SMOKE WEED AND PLAY POOL AND DRINK BEER AND SMOKE WEED
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
