someone get that fucking seahorse.
Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
Just saw my gyno in public. Weird to see her hands outside of my vagina.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.
no seriously. she's even got the premier of the real L word on her calendar at work. that lesbian.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Randomize
