He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
I just had a fifteen minute conversation with a Raccoon by the garbage bin. I was feeding it chex mix.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I feel like I'm going to shit out a Big Mac
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
All I'm wearing right now is a condom and a sock.
Just one?
Yup. One sock.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
You have a full penis tattoo of a cobra fighting a mongoose, don't you?
Randomize
