Have you ever noticed every guy named Shaant has scene hair and date girls with racoons stripes in theirs
His name should be shouldn't
Just spent five minutes taking pictures of my hands for some random guy.
Thanks for reminding me why I talk about you behind your back. Get laid.
Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
Nothing says "single girl" quite like Pinot Grigio and canned ravioli at 11:30 pm....
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
Being drunk at Chick-fil-A is a dystopian experience
Going through his web history. 10 hours ago he searched "how to put on condom with your teeth" I think I'm getting it tonight.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
Randomize
