i will soon be in a relationship on fb
you!?
me and your mom. i mean, lisa.
i just met a girl who was sent to the hospital for using her phone as a vibrator and got electrocuted. 4 weeks later she got sent back for shoving a hot dog up there. welcome to the teenage american society
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I'd say it's a shame and a disservice to the world that we can't stay drunken shitshows to infinity
well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
That which doesn't kill you gives you an excuse to get shitfaced later
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize