On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Out of beer. Salsa pong. Never again.
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
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