To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
Hey where the fuck is the rest of my beer? Lets start this day off right
Just chugged a Bloody Mary in 60 seconds flat. New personal best! Happy Sunday!
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Cant really say how it happened but i woke up in the middle of the night and somehow pissed all over connors dad
Seriously I can't get a booty call for some baked goods.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
OH MY GOD did i pee on you?!
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
We're like a married couple, but we only have sex on college holidays and other people's birthdays.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
A guy I don't even know just ate me out on a washing machine at a random persons afterparty. I came as it was going through spin cycle.Just kept thinking "who does laundry during a party?"
Randomize
