WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I only kidnapped one of them. chill
my orientation roommate looks just like New York of Flavor Flav fame
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
Sex in the backyard? Check.
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
